12/20/11

 

All your life you’re taught to believe in this fake romantic way of love. You want it so bad because that’s what you see in movies and books, but never in real life. There is never a mutual attraction. One side loves more than the other, always. And you know why; because people want a challenge. Especially good-looking people who can only strive to have the best. We cannot settle for second and definitely not third best. We probably don’t even know when our equal comes along because were too busy chasing the impossible.

Now what do you do when you’ve been chasing the impossible for too long? You have to begin to understand how to let go. And that’s where I am stuck. I know I have to let go, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve yet to be up against. This is mostly because I’ve invested around 3 years of my young adult life into making this relationship work. I know I’ve made up reasons in my head as to why I should forgive him all the time. But it comes down to me being unsatisfied. I’m identifying that emotion within myself all the time and have always since the day I’ve been with him. Some how I thought I was better than other girls he’d been with. I thought I was the girl who could make him settle down. And they on purpose try to make you think that those fuckers I swear. I am a strong person, and to escape this hold I’m under I have to summon all the strength that exist within my soul. I had never been with someone for such a long time before, and the longer you spend with someone; the harder it is to forget them. The worst part is that he is physically the perfect attraction for me, so anyone else I meet with the slightest flaw, I mark as unworthy, because he is better than everyone, on the outside that is. I guess that’s pretty shallow, but attraction is important. I refuse to sell myself short. I have learned a lot from his company, like learning how to compromise and think things through, even though he probably didn’t deserve it. I know we will always be friends and almost family, but I’ll never get over my desire to have his children until I find an equally appealing competitor.

I try to analyze and think about what this experience means in my life, within the grand scheme of things. I know I am very young and will have many other heartbreaks such as this one. I guess this proves to myself that I really can be in love with someone, even if they are not in love with me, which is usually how it goes for everyone on this poor planet for the majority of there young lives. It’s strange I am so young yet I fall in love with men, around 28 years old. For the record I am currently 20 soon to be 21 in the coming year. This makes sense because boys are immature, and actually so are men, but they are just a tad bit more grown up.

So maybe the time is just not right for me right now. Maybe right now I’m supposed to be free and alone. I’m okay with that on some level, but on an animalistic level I need a lover, and not just any lover. I need someone who is willing to know my needs and can make me comfortable. Maybe I ask for too much. Maybe I should just be a loveless free spirit that no one can tie down. Maybe I can build myself up to being the most desired being that no one can ever get because I am sacred.

And still no matter how much rationalizing I tell myself, I still deep down love him. No part of my brain can try to convince me otherwise, because that’s how strong my love is for him. My brain cannot fathom why I love him the way I do and my heart is way to strong or stubborn to even give my brain a chance to speak its mind. This is what I’ve been struggling with now for quite some time, yet my heart always wins. Does that mean I am an emotional being; yes. I like being this person, but in these situations I wish I could be different. We cannot change who we truly are though. Either one-day my efforts will pay off, or else I will find someone better. Until then, I live day to day with what I have.           

Colds

Sniffle sniffle cough
Sickness is tough
My nose has a slow river flow
and it just wont stop
Drip drop drip drop
Can't stay home
Have to Rome
Got to work and gain knowledge
That's why I go to college
;)

While I listen to Daft Punk waiting for class to start

I can't help but move to the beat
Can not stay in my seat
I just wanna dance
Feeling very ance-sy
When I groove im free
Why can't you see
Try it out I plea
Gee forgive me
I had no idea you had a rhythm issue
You want a tissue

You must know great love to know great sorrow

When he touches my skin
It makes my head spin
In a blissful frenzy of pleasure
My love is too much to measure
And if I tried
My patience would be denied
And I'd have to give up
As I sip a large cup
Of love mixed with a little joy
But love is not a toy
It can destroy if your not cautious
It can even make you nauseous 
Love is the maker of hate
It can put you in that state
When love builds trust
And then it's broken because of lust
That is when you will feel 
All the terrible emotions that are real
Because when you give yourself to someone
To love and care for you 
The betrayal can really stun your heart
There is no such thing as being love smart
Love is a risky endeavor
It makes no difference if your fully clever

The Ugly Repetition In My Life

I really do not understand why I find myself so in love with someone who lies right to my face and thinks I believe him; I pretend to believe him, I try hard to believe him, but I know better. He thinks he is so clever, but really I’m the clever one, as I see right through him. When we’re around our friends, he shows me absolutely no attention; he couldn’t be less interested. But when were alone, I’m all that matters. I know I’m an idiot. I know I am stupid for putting up with his absurdity. I’ve been telling myself this for months now, but I just can’t seem to break free of his grasp. I really want to commit this time. I cannot keep falling into the traps he leaves all over my life. I deserve so much better then what he can offer any girl. Lies lies lies lies lies, I just can’t deal with it anymore: How can I trust that anything he tells me is true when his mouth overflows with false information? He has got to go. I have to tell him that this time its for real, I won’t allow him to catch me again. I would like to be his friend, but the intimacy in our relationship hurts too much to keep going. And to just be friends will be difficult if it’s even possible. I must just not see him for a while, or forever. It’s sad he will lose me because we had such potential if he could only get his selfish act together and give a little to the people he supposedly cares about. He will be alone forever if he can’t get over his abandonment issues and finally trust someone to love him. My hope for that is very tiny as he is already a mature adult reaching the age of 29 soon. If he hasn’t learned by now, how can I expect him to ever learn.     

My Current Life

I never expected that my life would be so based upon emotions, or should i have expected that? Right now it feels like a setback, a handy-cap, a disability. How is it that I befriend people who do not obtain the same emotional capacity as my own? There is no one else who can completely understand me except myself and I'm just figuring this all out presently. I've experienced the most disgusting pain of letting others take advantage. It's hard to fall into someone who's ego is even bigger than my own. I am naturally humble, yet he thinks he is god. I am a better being then he this is easy to see. I never want to cause harm to others yet he makes a living off destroying the lives of others through drug addiction. I've realized now were way too diverse. My life is compassion and nurturing not clever tricks. No one I've met deserves the devotion I possess. Even with this knowledge how is it that i still have the deepest love for him? He is my weakness, and I've never had one before. 

Leaving

I slowly walk in a dense, dark forest where there is no other human soul to defy me. I can hear the wind blow calmly through the trees and I listen to the running stream that twists and turns like the curl of a hair. The rocks and pebbles are hard beneath my unprotected feet, but I continue to stroll as I feel no pain here. I am here to escape the human troubles that burden me so. I could walk forever in this forest. Here nothing matters. Here I can be myself. Here there is no worry, no sadness, no hurt. In this forest I can trust everything that surrounds me for I know it is real and true. There are no tricks or games to be played on me here. I want to stay here where only beauty exist. I want to dissolve into the tree branches and grow with them into the sparkling sky. Rays of the warming sun peak through the leaves and nestle my skin. More nurturing and caring then any person is this forest. These woods provide me with the comfort I've always needed. I'd rather let the river stream take my body and make me a part of it then go back to where I came from. I can no longer deal with the evils of mankind. Let the manufactured world forget me for this is my new home. I can truly be happy in my woods where the earth can guide me to the higher dimension of enlightenment. 

Dear Roommate,

Things were getting better and then you went and demolished everything. What boggles my mind is why you did this. It makes absolutely no sense. There are a million other people out there you could have chosen plus the 3 other guys you're already dating, but you must also chose the complete worst option available and for what?! Your not even exclusive with him. You've lost your best friends over a stupid boy who is just going to leave you broken hearted once again. And don't think any of us will be there for you after this happens because we won't. Youre dead to me and the others and no form of apology will change that. In case your too dumb to realize, it's wrong and unacceptable to jump right on the dick of your "friend's" ex boyfriend who had been living with her at the time and only after a week if that of the brake-up. I still believe your the reason he left her which is even worse. Then you even had the balls to try and comfort her meanwhile your sleeping in his bed afterwards. It's no wonder that you've never been able to keep any friends when you treat them like that. And here is the hilarious part: you go and tell me of all people that your seeing my sisters ex boyfriend. How stupid are you really? Do you just enjoy the drama? What makes this situation even better is the fact that you and I share an apartment. Why would you jeopardize your living situation over some worthless, overweight, half-Asian, nerd? Oh but you think you and him could have a good relationship ha! It's not possible for you to have a good relationship with anyone because you destroy everything you put your dirty little hands on. So keep pushing people away with your middle school behavior and learn to be alone because in the end you are going to be a very lonely person. 

Life

It's hard to say what matters in this life.
I try to believe there is more to it then what's in front of me.
I tell myself that negative emotions should be eliminated but its not so easily done.
No one has it easy and if they do then there value is low on this planet.
Struggle builds character,
Makes you strong.
So this is how I keep going:
I wake up every morning knowing it will pay off somewhere.
Things get better or things get worse but they will always fluctuate.
And this is because I won't let things downward spiral.
If you brake the glass you've been drinking out of then you must only pick up the pieces and rebuild. If someone betrays me I let them go. If my heart is broken I glue it back together. If I am poor then I work my hardest. If I am rich I still work hard. If I am sad I look to my love ones for support. 
We can only try to make things better and not get torn down by the negative. 

From Letters To A Young Poet

"If you will cling to nature, to the simple in nature, to the little things that hardly anyone sees, and that can so unexpectedly become big and beyond measuring; if you have this love of inconsiderable things and seek quite simply, as one who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier, more coherent and somehow more conciliatory for you, not in your intellect, perhaps which lags marveling behind, but in your inmost consciousness, waking and cognizance."
-Rainer Maria Rilike July 16th, 1903

Bigger Things

I try to look deep into the beauty all around
Sometimes it's hard to see with those eyes
We are too distracted by ourselves that we do not see
Look into your soul that is bound
To the grounds, oceans, and skies
If you search hard enough you'll find me
Also yourself and a million others
Greet the nurturing mothers
That have made this world 
Watch them become twirled
Into the waves 
Watch them glow inside of caves
Feel them kiss you with the breeze
Feel there wrath of the freeze
Taste the growth they've made
Let them come to your aid
Don't forget that we are small
And the earth possesses us all   

Generation of Selfish

How can I trust
When all I can see is lust
My heart is starting to rust
And I must
Pick up my head from the dust
I cant make anyone want the things I do
Send me someone new
Who believes in a true connection
Who can give me affection
and a lot of protection
Why am I so different
How can I be ment
For someone when
All the men
Want to have it all
And I just fall
Even when I try and stall
I feel so small
And totally helpless
Maybe this age is suppose to be a mess
And for the rest
Of my life
There will be no more strife
This is what I can hope
To help me put away the rope
That ties me down
To this dangerous ground.

Boys Are Cheats And Liers

Your lies cut me to the bone
You will hear my painful moan
I really should have known
That this was to be expected
Now that I've been rejected
The false promises are reflected
In your selfish eyes
You no longer have a disguise
And I cannot believe your lies
Here I am with my demise
But I will rebuild myself
Leave all the games on the shelf
I'm ready for someone who
Is the complete opposite of you
I can see you will be alone forever
Since you can never
Commit yourself fully to someone
Keep on having your fun
And think you've won
When really it's only just begun
Don't forget the ones who fall
You can never have them all
Soon karma will give you a call
And you will know how it feels
And you can try to learn to deal
With the sting of a lovers eel
And I hope you brake
For goodness sake
You are a mistake
It's what you deserve
And you can preserve
Your hurtful ways
But everyone knows youll never change
That's why your out of range
To obtain true happiness
Your life is a mess
Do not pass your distress
To me
Because I know how to be
Content
You live a life that's bent
And soon it will be broken
So here's a token
For wasting my valuable time
Now listen to my carefree chime

Frozen

Help me turn the feelings away
Surely this is not okay
I don't know what to think anymore
This dream has become a horror 
My whole body is sore 
With emotional strain
In my head a constant rain
Of paranoia deep down
I need to bawl up round
To try and sooth my heart
And place it far apart
From the destroyers that find me
How am I so blind to see
How people can truly be
I want my heart to be free
From all attachment
I want it to be sent
Out if this world 
Isolated and swirled
Around safety and compassion
Give me my rations 
Of emotional protection 
A mandatory inspection
To fix the pieces I've been losing
The parts that are bruising
Soak up all the blood I've lost
I don't care the cost
Make me strong 
Because everything is wrong
And there is no song
I can sing
Or poem I can ring
That can fix this thing
Or make it better
So I'll just write this letter 
To no one in particular
Now I'll sob and slur 
As my eyes go blur
And I fad out
Taking a sleepy route
To temporarily forget about
My self destructive doubt 

Mixed-Motions

I wish I could tell you that I love you so dearly
Even though i show it clearly
Even more I wish you could tell me you loved me back
This whole situation is pretty wack
I beg to be cut some slack
Because my heart is so worn
Soon it will be torn
Between two different choices
Both containing beautiful voices
Is it okay to love two souls
I'm splitting poles
And my luck is running low
Maybe I should just slow
Down and pick up this frown
Change it into something good
Patience is something I should 
Consider if I could
I guess it's okay this way
I see no reason not to stay
Around for a while longer 
I'm sure it will make me stronger 
No matter what I do
Know I'll always love you

Affairs of The Heart

Falling for someone is dangerous. In this kind of situation I am a risk taker but that doesn't mean I'm not scared to death of the outcome. I'm afraid because I know what it feels like to be love-hurt. It's happened to me twice before and I never want to experience that pain again, but I know it's inescapable. Being able to let go is the most difficult part. You can know how wrong someone is for you and yet you still desire to be with them. You can know it's never going to work out and still feel drawn to that unworthy person. Someone can do you wrong countless times and a part of you still wants to give them another chance to become the perfect fantasy in your head that you always wished they could be. This is where we have to stop being stupid because the heart is not wise, but it is strong; or it has to be if you want to keep on living. Using our heads is the best advice. We must fight our heart's feelings with our heads good judgement, logic, and beliefs. So let go, move on, love intensely and let the pain flow through again until maybe one special day when you discover the person who will never hurt you but complete you.

Even Though I've Been Warned

I can see you're feeling down
But look at what's around
This bustling town
That twinkles through the night
Shine your light 
Because I can't stand to see it burn out
There is no doubt 
About how brilliant you are
By far you are a shooting star
And you brighten my world
I just want to get curled
Up against your chest
Because you are the best
That I can see
So I plea
For you to be happy
And let me be there for you 
I know this is new 
And for me too
But I'd trust you till the end
And I know you'd always be a friend
Now let me tend
To your wound
Let sit under the moon
On a hot night in June
And listen to the worlds tune
Can we fad into the sky
Way up high
And wonder why
Things happen like they do
For me and you
And the rest of humanity
It's not insanity 
Because something beautiful will find it's way
Like the sunshines ray
So baby let me tell
That everything will be well. 

What you do to people

I use to be a victim
In a game I could never defeat
But I've been roughed and toughed enough 
And now I'll become the queen of chess
Prepare for distress because I'm going to make a mess
It's time to be strong and to do wrong 
To the hearts of others
We are like brothers 
Cause it's happened to the heart that is my own
I wanna hear the moan
Of a smitten lover
Listen to the tone and let me loan you my temporary affection
I'll show you the direction to desire
Im for hire but I could also be a lier
I possess all the aces 
But I see all the faces 
Of the ones I hurt
Throw me in the dirt
For I am no better
Than that one boy in the blue sweater
Who ripped apart my crucial organ that beats from my chest
And laid it down to rest in pieces
Feel my deepened creases
Smooth them out
Being like him eases my doubt
About loving someone
How it's only about fun
And then you should be done
Don't waste time investing emotion
Just keep on swimming through your blissful ocean
Kissing a few fish along the way
But if I do find that rare catch one day
I just might stay. 

100%

This thing.

This strange but familiar feeling.

It feels like happiness, excitement, and pleasure all put together.

When we are apart it intensifies and then I’m madly looking forward to seeing your face again.

That’s why I must scribe down the way you make me feel; try and make sense out of it all.

You let out my inspiration and the thoughts of you creates a beautiful arrangement of words. 

I imagine the way our lips dance together, wet and so warm; that combined with your gentle but firm grasp of me with hands that run all over the map that is my body.

I feel your skin with my memory and realize there is no other creature I’d rather touch or be touched by.

The sound of your voice is like music to my ears and fills me with adoration.

There is an aroma that surrounds you and when I breathe you in, my heartbeat accelerates far beyond what its use to. 

Because of your greatness I’m devoted to you.  <3

Babe...

Your skin is a soft moist dessert glowing in the darkness.
Your fingertips leak pleasure into the arch of my back and my mouth opens to let out a moan that tells a story of enchantment.
My lips wrestle with yours in a match neither of us can win
Because the passion within is too strong to be wrong or to give up.
You thrust me up to the stars
Close to mars
I'm lost in space with the taste of you lingering on my tongue.
Slowly i float back down to your kingdom and realize you held me there the whole time.
As you climb up my body I can feel the silk of your lips cover every inch of my skin with a sensation too good to imagine.
When you reach my face
I grab tight to the lace of your covers
And I picture the lovers we have become
More intense than some.
You make my heart try to breakout of my skeleton
Turn my bones into gelatin
And pump my skin with melanin.
Things only you can do to me
It's easy for anyone to see
That all I want to do
is to be
with you.