Past Journals that still apply to present

 

03/21/12 Wednesday 7:22pm

Yesterday I experienced a crisis. It caused me to be self-destructive. Sometimes, I wish I lacked certain feelings so I could react to things in a proper manner. We still haven’t talked, not really. We’re just pretending like everything is normal and last night never happened. Maybe this is best. The feeling that started it all still lies restlessly within me. I tried to set it free, but I should have kept it locked inside.

I’m feeling pretty angry because the whole reason I was unhappy was because we never spend time together and now when we actual are both here with nothing to do, he goes out into the other room to watch basketball with his roommates. Yeah you really care don’t you? Maybe I should leave. It’s that or let it go. But letting go isn’t so easy. Trust me, if I could just shake off the sadness I would. Are these the sacrifices one must take? Does it mean that I am meant for someone else who would require no sacrifices? Love is a sacrifice within itself; one we cannot live without.

All I really want is to feel loved by him. He’ll never love me the way I love him. Can’t he tell I’m still hurting inside? One day I hope everything will be different. One day I hope he will learn how to love me. I am unsure how much longer I can last. I’ve kept strong thus far, but pieces of me are breaking. I’m not sure how to repair them yet. Those pieces may stay broken forever, 

unless he can recognize my breakage and repair it.

    

 03/15/12

It’s hard to forget all that we’ve been through

Even when I’m presented with something new

At the end of the day I’m still thinking of you

I’m noticing love and pain feel the same

And neither is something I can tame

It takes all my strength not to call

I try to remind myself I deserve better

And that your heart’s too small

My eyes get wetter

This feeling in my chest

Will not rest

It’s made a nest

Tight between each lung

Love is too brutal for the young

In this group I’m among

I’m afraid I’ll never love someone as much as I did

Please God forbid

A fate so unfortunate

This cannot be permanent

Why can’t I shake this feeling inside my heart

The longer we’re apart

Drink after drink

And still you I think

Tears fall with each blink

04/09/12

Filled up inside with fondness, devotion, attachment,

In a split second it drains away through a sieve composed of torment.

Communication makes it’s way through my frustration and discontentment,

And then everything is forgiven.

How long until the cycle begins all over again?

Patterns show it won’t be long.

Really, this is absolutely consistent and nothing else expected,

For pure happiness and perfection does not exist.

Struggle is a concept we can all universally relate to,

 For nothing comes wrapped flawlessly for us to open.

04/13/12
What can I do when you won’t listen? Communication is essential and we both know that, yet it never occurs. So many things are brushed aside and left lingering. I know my tolerance is lower than yours. My maintenance is higher than yours. My emotions are deeper. Somehow I adapt. I know there must be a limit somewhere that is slowly being filled until I can no longer hold everything within myself. When will my love for you become secondary against the love for myself? I’m sure it’s a lesson to be learned. I know it will be one of the hardest lessons in my life. At least it won’t be unexpected. I can’t even imagine who I will be after all of this. Someone ready to find my mutual creator I hope. The thought of all our time together being wasted and thrown away scares me horribly, yet I know it is something I have to keep in mind as possible. A part of me assures that we are strong enough, but another part questions if things could be better with someone else. It’s hard to decide what I truly want. For so long I’d do anything for you, for you to be near. I still would but I wonder if that’s the best thing for me. 

10/13/12
After all this, after I believed you changed and began loving me, I have come back to the same doubts I have throughout everything. Disappointment. 



 

Love's Slave

Nothing can prepare a person for a love that is real,
Quite sneaky it can be; your heart it will steal.
Love has many personalities,
Missing the concept of moralities.
If luck is on your side,
Two hearts decide to collide.
But luck comes only to some,
Leaving the rest of us thinking love is dumb and feeling numb.
Yet unrequited love is by far the most unfortunate,
When two hearts are disproportionate.
Loving someone who doesn't love you back,
Can really throw you off life's track.
This infectious love gets inside your head,
And sometimes you'll wish you were dead,
And sometimes your head will be full of dread,
And sometimes it will say things you'd wish you'd never said.
We are born a slave to love and we die love's slave.  

The Hardest Heartbreak

It’s hard to forget all that we’ve been through

Even when I’m presented with something new

At the end of the day I’m still thinking of you

I’m noticing love and pain feel the same

And neither is something I can tame

It takes all my strength not to call

I try to remind myself I deserve better

And that your heart’s too small

My eyes get wetter

This feeling in my chest

Will not rest

It’s made a nest

Tight between each lung

Love is too brutal for the young

In this group I’m among

I’m afraid I’ll never love someone as much as I did

Please God forbid

A fate so unfortunate

This cannot be permanent

Why can’t I shake this feeling inside my heart

The longer we’re apart

Drink after drink

And still you I think

Tears fall with each blink

From By Nightfall

"One is always kissing, the other is always being kissed."

When We Touch

I would never trade anything for this,
for the feelings I get when we kiss.
Such a unique emotion,
more beautiful than any ocean.
Being with you makes everything disappear,
nothing has ever been more sincere.
It's like a burst of pleasure explodes throughout my body,
and I desire to be naughty.
Our bare skins touching all damp and warm,
I grab tightly to your arm.
I can feel the wet drops of sweat drip into my skin,
Again and again.
So deep,
Please keep,
this moment from ending.
I want to continue tending,
to the act at hand,
that brings me to a euphoric land.

Qualities I've Learned By Growing Up

My sister has always been my hero, even when she was mean to me. For some reason I always thought so greatly of her. She proved to me that she was worth looking up to when she matured. Then when she met her husband, she became slightly negative and bitter. It is because of her husband’s influence that she is this way now. He has injected his characteristics into her. This saddens me but I know she has always been easily impressionable. Never before they met did she think about things so negatively. He likes to criticize EVERYTHING. Now so does she. It is something that has bothered me for a long time now since them getting together. I love them both, but I am so discouraged by their hatred towards pretty much everything. They are extremely judgmental and never give things a second thought. I hate that she use to not be this way, but she is just a clone of him now. I’m adaptable, but I will never lose the beliefs I feel deeply about. I just don’t understand what the point is of being so judgmental. I feel like they do it because it makes them feel better about themselves even though they have no reason to feel insecure. I don’t need to criticize others to feel good about myself. I am confident with myself and I love other people and want to give them a chance before I automatically label them as unworthy. Even if someone turns out to be not worth my time, at least I can say I looked into him or her and found out who they were before I discarded them. It’s not just with people either. It’s with everything, ideas, beliefs, theories, seriously everything. I know that they get a feeling of satisfaction by expressing negative thoughts about various dynamics. This always frustrates me a lot because I like to think about everything is both perspectives and respect things for what they are being positive or negative. Hate is so destructive and so useless. They are so concerned with what people think that it leads them to be super critical. They feel that if they are so opinionated that there insecurity will go unnoticed. It’s a shield; if they are the ones attacking then no one will attack them. Analyzing it now I’d say they are insecure because they have to belittle others and other things so that nothing will acknowledge there own fears about themselves. The worst part is that she use to be a completely different person, nothing at all like what I’ve described. She used to be my hero, but now she is just another one of my peers. I can tell you that I love both of them to my core because they are family, but I look down on what they have become; at least what she has become because I knew what she was before now. I didn’t know him as a child or growing up but I bet he has always been this way because he made her change in this way. I totally respect them as they are my elders, but really acting like that is immature and close-minded. Many times we have talked about an issue that I feel deeply about and they completely didn’t even care about my feelings and made me feel like I was stupid for my beliefs and that hurts. Especially coming from people who are suppose to love and support you no matter what. I’m the kind of person who may disagree with someone, but I will never say that what he or she believes is wrong or criticize the way they feel about something. I believe that everyone is entitled to there beliefs and that it should be respected weather you agree or not. That’s just polite; that’s being open-minded; being able to step back from your own thoughts and think about how someone else feels on an issue you don’t agree with. That’s the funny thing about humanity; it takes a strong, adaptable, and compromising person to really think and listen to another who disagrees with you. Having those qualities is gold. It’s so rare in our society and I wonder why. For me I was stubborn in my childhood, but growing into adulthood it was so easy to be reasonable and respectful. If you want people to listen and respect how you feel about an issue, then you MUST do the same to them. You can still not agree strongly, but being able to listen and hear the reasons from the other side will further your belief and possibly even persuade you to believe otherwise. Being open is being a learner; scientist must be open to change in current beliefs because everything changes and new things are discovered that can disprove previous conclusions. We must be willing to learn something new to progress the knowledge we have. Being stubborn is locking yourself in a small room in which you never see anything but except what you believe to be true. That sounds pretty boring to me. Just think for example, people use to think the world was flat, and then someone figured out it wasn’t; and there was many people who didn’t want to believe it was true. In the present day there are people who deny the fact that global warming exist regardless of the scientific evidence provide. Open mindedness is a quality that is learned by forcing yourself to stop thinking about oneself. Growing up I was very different than I am now and that’s because I made myself change into a person who is reasonable and respectful. If you cannot acknowledge that you are a difficult and disagreeable person (which most everyone is born this way) then you can never change. When you realize that changing yourself by being able to think about the perspective of someone who disagrees with you, you set yourself free in many ways. There will be less conflict in your life, people will like and respect you more, and overall you are viewed as a more intellectual person. It takes a lot to be open minded and accomplishing that gives you a better sense and understanding of the whole world around you. What is the point of proving someone else wrong or trying to make them feel that what they think is unacceptable? In reality, no one is right or wrong on any issue they believe in, because options’ are subjective and nothing can prove them right or wrong. Imagine having a conversation with someone who thinks opposite of your stance on an issue and you both can express why you feel that way without hostility. Both sides being able to accept and respect the fact that you have different views that both have there own significant points. You can both actually learn about aspects of the other side weather you become persuaded or not. This is maturity. This is respect. This is being a good listener. This is being able to not think about your own opinions. This is trying to understand someone else on the other side. And if you still disagree, than you can strengthen your beliefs by knowing that you listened and thought about the opposite side and still felt you strongly on your opinion. Coming from a person who has learned to do this, I can tell you that it’s extremely possible to change the way you feel and that’s okay; there should not be any shame. You are learning more and discovering what makes more sense depending on the people you converse with. That’s the problem with stubborn, close minded, non listening people; they have too much emotion about there pride with the issue that even though they may have actually recognized that the other person is making good points, they still cannot admit it and remain ignorant because they don’t want to feel defeated. That’s why it comes down to both sides being open-minded and respecting each other. If you have that and you know they respect your thought and the other person than you have no reason to feel like you’re in competition. Aggression should never exist when having a conversation about beliefs, thoughts, or ideals.                                     

Current

Many things have changed within the past few months. Things I always wished for but never thought would actually happen. The person I've been in love with for 2 years has finally gotten serious. He surprised me completely. Things were not going well, and we weren't talking since Christmas, and at that point I had given up and was trying to move on. I kept my mind off him by seeing other people. I had accepted that he wasn't right for me because he could never give me what I needed from him. I had purposely avoided all contact with him as this would be the only way to stop loving him. Then one night, for business reasons I needed him to meet up with me. What was only suppose to be a brief encounter turned into a night of hanging out just like we use to. I made him see that I didn't need him and that I was wanted by many. After this night he stuck around. I was very shocked when in the morning while I was terribly hung over he held me close and said the words that he fought so hard to say before, "I love you." I knew he meant it. Shortly after this I was trying to find a new place to live and it was really difficult. I ended up agreeing to move in with some of my friends but that didn't work out due to miscommunication about finances. At this point my love said I should just move in with him. I wasn't even sure if it was real because it was so unexpected of him. This proved he had grown up a little and was ready for something serious. It was exactly what I always wanted from him, to be serious and commit to me. Its been a month and a half now that we have been living together and supporting one another. We are a fantastic match and I have never been so happy. It's so satisfying to finally have him. I envision a future with him and he sees it too. There is this meant to be feeling that I've always felt and that is why through all the pain he has put me through, I stuck around and forgave him for everything he had ever done to me. I think he recognized this value in me and realized he would never find someone quite like me.