03/21/12 Wednesday
7:22pm
Yesterday I
experienced a crisis. It caused me to be self-destructive. Sometimes, I wish I
lacked certain feelings so I could react to things in a proper manner. We still
haven’t talked, not really. We’re just pretending like everything is normal and
last night never happened. Maybe this is best. The feeling that started it all
still lies restlessly within me. I tried to set it free, but I should have kept
it locked inside.
I’m feeling pretty
angry because the whole reason I was unhappy was because we never spend time
together and now when we actual are both here with nothing to do, he goes out
into the other room to watch basketball with his roommates. Yeah you really
care don’t you? Maybe I should leave. It’s that or let it go. But letting go
isn’t so easy. Trust me, if I could just shake off the sadness I would. Are
these the sacrifices one must take? Does it mean that I am meant for someone
else who would require no sacrifices? Love is a sacrifice within itself; one we
cannot live without.
All I really want is
to feel loved by him. He’ll never love me the way I love him. Can’t he tell I’m
still hurting inside? One day I hope everything will be different. One day I
hope he will learn how to love me. I am unsure how much longer I can last. I’ve
kept strong thus far, but pieces of me are breaking. I’m not sure how to repair
them yet. Those pieces may stay broken forever,
unless he can recognize my
breakage and repair it.
It’s hard to forget
all that we’ve been through
Even when I’m
presented with something new
At the end of the day
I’m still thinking of you
I’m noticing love and
pain feel the same
And neither is
something I can tame
It takes all my
strength not to call
I try to remind
myself I deserve better
And that your heart’s
too small
My eyes get wetter
This feeling in my
chest
Will not rest
It’s made a nest
Tight between each
lung
Love is too brutal
for the young
In this group I’m
among
I’m afraid I’ll never
love someone as much as I did
Please God forbid
A fate so unfortunate
This cannot be
permanent
Why can’t I shake
this feeling inside my heart
The longer we’re
apart
Drink after drink
And still you I think
Tears fall with each
blink
04/09/12
Filled up inside with
fondness, devotion, attachment,
In a split second it drains
away through a sieve composed of torment.
Communication makes it’s
way through my frustration and discontentment,
And then everything is
forgiven.
How long until the cycle begins
all over again?
Patterns show it won’t be
long.
Really, this is absolutely
consistent and nothing else expected,
For pure happiness and
perfection does not exist.
Struggle is a concept we
can all universally relate to,
For nothing comes wrapped flawlessly for us to
open.
04/13/12
What can I do when you won’t listen? Communication is essential and we both know that, yet it never occurs. So many things are brushed aside and left lingering. I know my tolerance is lower than yours. My maintenance is higher than yours. My emotions are deeper. Somehow I adapt. I know there must be a limit somewhere that is slowly being filled until I can no longer hold everything within myself. When will my love for you become secondary against the love for myself? I’m sure it’s a lesson to be learned. I know it will be one of the hardest lessons in my life. At least it won’t be unexpected. I can’t even imagine who I will be after all of this. Someone ready to find my mutual creator I hope. The thought of all our time together being wasted and thrown away scares me horribly, yet I know it is something I have to keep in mind as possible. A part of me assures that we are strong enough, but another part questions if things could be better with someone else. It’s hard to decide what I truly want. For so long I’d do anything for you, for you to be near. I still would but I wonder if that’s the best thing for me.
10/13/12
After all this, after I believed you changed and began loving me, I have come back to the same doubts I have throughout everything. Disappointment.
